my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
