So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
