I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
