I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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