My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
