sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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