She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
