jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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