I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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