I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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