I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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