Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
