i will never coherently bang her
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
