Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
