Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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