he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
