I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
