tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
