Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
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While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
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I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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