I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
