Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize