I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
