Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
