You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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