Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
