hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
