I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
