I can text with my tongue
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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