Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
