Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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