and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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