Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
