Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sext me about skeletons
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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