Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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