i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
