Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
