WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
