So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
