i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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