I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
