Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
