My hand turned me down
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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