You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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