I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
