I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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