Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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