I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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