TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
