why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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