He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
