I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he quoted the bible to break up with me
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
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