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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.

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• (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

  (708): View more from Illinois

  I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

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• (480): View more from Arizona

  There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.

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• (207): View more from Maine

  Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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• (573): View more from Missouri

  Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.

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• (650): View more from California

  Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night

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• (914): View more from New York

  it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"

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• (604): View more from British Columbia

  I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"

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• (574): View more from Indiana

  Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick

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• (661): View more from California

  Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.

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