my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
