I just pynch a tree in the face
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
