the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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