I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
