I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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